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Recounting the moments of Motherhood! What an apt moment to recount those memorable times exactly two years ago!
Flashback- Jan 26 2012 onwards,
As I stepped into the hospital reception for my weekly consultation and the last scan the cries in my little head were many, I just could not help but fake a smile which was weird and surely enough my doc was quick to catch that. As she finished reviewing the scan reports and examining me in finality she told, I am sending you home now, but I am scared you might come calling again this evening, frankly enough I did not know how to react, I didn’t even care to thank her in my anxiety, I didn’t even check how it was going to be .I stepped from her room all lost in thought only to be kicked hard in my belly reminding me I was quiet hungry and the little one was waiting for the meal, not caring to know how I felt.
A good lunch with my sister and husband didn’t help much, so lost I was that I didn’t know how even to take a plate from the stack and move. I needed help I thought, and I really needed it. Surely with the last few weeks to go for the full term, the sleepless nights was not a new event for me, as I tried to balance the huge bulge to turn and toss mom assured me not to worry and just be myself.
While the entire family geared to greet the new entrant, there I was still in a state of anxiety, in state of god knows what emotion it can be termed may be fear, wondering why is God made only women go through this? Come Jan 29 2012, already in hospital bed with tears welling in my eyes, and pain in my body, all I could think was when will the little face show up, how will I even react, what should I do the first thing I see the baby? While there were constant chatters from my extended family all I wanted to shout back was please shut up, I am in labor and it’s not fun to be here on the bed screaming like a maniac!30 hours into of labor with pain mounting every passing minute there I was trying to remain calm, cool and composed by cracking jokes, laughing, walking then came a time nothing could hold me back from constant crying, screaming in the pain, shouting at people around me, praying, and playing many loops of Vishnu Sahasranamam on the mobile, a final call for a c- section, and surely the scolding’s from anesthetist and there she arrived with a big scream into the world. It’s a girl screamed the doctor handing her to my husband.
As I got transported back to the Room, there she was eagerly waiting for me, there I was eagerly waiting to see her, but alas the anesthesia effect was so high that I could only open and close my eyes every 5 mins. Though I remembered every detail of who was carrying her, cuddling her I was still not in a position to hold her, touch her or cuddle her or even kiss her.
To my lovely Angel
How is it possible that you are already two, it feels like yesterday when I was holding you like a new born in my arms. Time flies and yes its true. I did not see you first or bathe you first; I did not even change your first diaper. I did not even put your first dress on. Nope. I did none of these I never even felt the intense love-at-first-sight that new moms rave about. I only felt fear, Anxiety, Panic. Every time you cried I would stare at you straight and not knowing a thing press the call button for help to position you right to nurse you, change your diapers or wrap you warm.
I just nursed you round the clock every 2 hrs. While recovering from the huge change my body went through, with lots of support from family, I learnt. I learnt patience, compassion and lot more emotions as I experienced them Slowly, I changed your diapers. I changed your clothes, learnt how to massage and give you a nice warm bath, Learnt to hold you the way you wanted, rocked in your cloth cradle till you slept singing songs with my own composition!.
I took your pictures and admired them while you slept. I missed you. Yes, I missed you when you were sleeping right beside me. Lived and enjoyed every moment I saw you, one day you smiled, yes you just smiled while I was feeding you and looked at me with those naughty eyes and turned your head around like you have known me. It was like dancing in the rain, my heart just danced every time you smiled. The whole family spent every minute trying to make you smile. Then you said "wooo aaaa", and we would all try our best by making funny faces to make you say woo. Then you said gee, geeyah and laugh loudly like thunder and you would smile back like all is well.
My sister's whole world revolved around you. You became a piece of everyone's heart. And you were a different baby around your dad. Smiling, cooing, and reaching out to touch his face and kick his chest. All drool worthy cuteness. Then you rolled over when you were close to 3 months, you looked at your own hands and admired those tiny bracelets around them trying to put them in your mouth, then you tried finding your legs and they went right into your mouth. Suddenly, you started to swim around the house. You became more mobile and did funny things every day. There were days when you sat in the laundry basket asking us to lift you; there were days when you just sat in the bucket full of warm water just refusing to get out.
You refused to drink milk from bottle, forcing us to feed you in paladai, you escaped between our legs and slide through those sides, you burped, spat and messed up those cute bibs or the clothes of the ones who carried you. You loved mashed potatoes; while you hated the apples you had your preference for your ceralac just enjoying the Rice veggie or Moong Dal Kichadi. Just as a tiny white little tooth cracked out, you went berserk biting my chin, hand and all possible teethers of wild shapes and colors.
As you turned one, you took your first flight, those bold steps, which endured confidence. It feels like it’s just a minute ago that we celebrated your walking right and straight. Today you are totally fearless climbing up here and there, trying to play your own CD to rhymes while you are busy trying to dance and imitate Krishna and his antics; you show us how beautiful the world is to enjoy your antics I try to fulfill every need of yours however trivial they may be. While you make us run around like clowns and dance to your tunes just to take that one morsel of food. What a satisfaction it is after I have fed you the meal.
No matter how the year has been, you always bring joy and plant that smile on my face. You have become my motivation one of those perfect reasons for existence; I care a damn about being the perfect wife or a home maker or the obliging daughter in law. It’s become integral for me to be a mother who can nurture you into a beautiful being.
I'm grateful every day of my life for this amazing perfect little creature that God created! My lovely angel you have made me the happiest & most fulfilled mom. I don’t even know if this is motherhood, but the feeling of being complete with you is what I experience every passing day and night.
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